31 Coffee-break mini-messages that will recharge your day!
Peter Barfoot
25. David Vs Goliath: the PC Version
The time is circa 1063 BC and the location is a valley in Israel with a creek running through it. Two men face each other separated only by the creek.
Well, one man, really, because the other is a teenager. His head would just about reach the man’s belt-buckle if they were to stand together. But they’re not about to do that because they’re enemies. Each plans to kill the other and feed his body to the buzzards.
OK, I know that you know this story and that you’ve read it many times. One is David and the other is Goliath. But hang on, this account is different. This is the Politically Correct Version. Are you ready for it?
Goliath: “What’s this? I asked for an opponent but what I see before me is a pre-adult who is vertically disadvantaged! This demeans both my general and personal self-image and denigrates my Philistine ethnicity!”
David: “Vertically disadvantaged"? Cleanse your oral faculty, you physically disproportioned but otherwise inadequate opponent! Your lack of covenantal relationship is a critical shortfall and leaves you spiritually vulnerable and therefore potentially dysfunctional.”
Goliath: “Ha! Just cross this wetland eco-system and I’ll detach your necktop communications system! The remainder will contribute to the preservation of carnivore wildlife in this area, and biodegradability will ultimately reduce your skeletal system to an alternate state.”
David: “You foolishly regard yourself as more than equal because you bear a double-edged cutting instrument and a muscularly-propelled, metal-tipped aerially conveyed device! But I confront you with the title, authority and reputation of the LORD of celestial armies.”
Goliath: “What, with that basic, orbitally-energized, low-velocity, stone-propelling delivery system? You must be humorously disposed. I denigrate your otherness!”
“My otherness? Have you seen yourself in a reflector lately? Is this all you’ve got? This dialogue is about to be replaced with a monologue conducted by me while dining out for years on how I arranged your termination. I will now close you word delivery system permanently, along with your audio/video system. Time to say Goodbye!
Goliath: “Whaaaat?”
Well, we all know how it ended: David selected a stone, crossed the creek, dropped Goliath with a well-aimed shot to the forehead, and finished him off while he was horizontally disadvan— …um, as flat as a tack. Their hero dead, the Philistines fled. David’s folks were happy. End of story. Think there’s a lesson in this?
